Added March 26, 2011
My journey of coming out did not happen till I was 40 years old. When my daughter went to college it happened with who it was suppose to happen and how it was suppose to happen. I was told from the age of 23 that people thought I was GAY. I was in Therapy and a counselor told me that I cared too much about what others thought of me and even if I was gay that I would not allow myself to be happy. She was right. It was not till I was at the point in my life where I was somewhat comfortable in my own skin, and did not care about what people thought of me, that it happened. It has been so freeing to know who I am and that there are people “LIKE ME”
In my first relationship the intimacy with another female was there before anything else. I knew she was gay and I guess she knew I was but I did not think I was at the time. I started developing feelings for this woman and thought there was something wrong with me. I searched out that Therapist I had when I was younger who me that I would not allow myself to be happy. I told her of these feelings inside me and I really thought there was something wrong with me for feeling this way about a friend. I was in love with her before anything ever happened. Others close to me knew it but I could not tell anyone. It was only a short affair but I had never felt so high, so low, so happy, so sad, in such a short period of time.
I later spent some time in a mental hospital swearing I would not tell anyone of the patients in there why I was there. I finally had to get honest per my counselor and she told me I had to tell someone to get through the process. I told my roommate. She already knew due to the way I skated around the relationship issue using those wonderful pronouns like “they” and “them” instead of “he” or “she”.
I was not fooling anyone but myself. I had gay friends most of my life but I kept them at a distance. I didn’t want to “catch” anything. One of my friends told me “We knew you were when you were 23”. I told my partner this kid is gay and she doesn’t know. I was like “Thanks a lot. You could have saved me 16 years of my life”. She told me it was not her job to figure out, it was mine.
Most of the people throughout my life that I have told have all accepted me and embraced me for the person that I am. Only one older gentleman friend said “Have a nice life kid”. I had to consider the source. He was an angry old man that did not like a lot of things in life. So if one person in my last 7 years has not embraced the true me, well than he is not like me and he is allowed to be whoever he wants to be, as am I.