Q: I am enlightened by Chely’s book Like Me, and yet I am overwhelmed with immense sadness by it. I am 46. I have never been with a man. I have been with one woman, but it felt so wrong. Yet, the longer I watch days of my life go by, the more I feel like I am watching myself in a holding pattern. As I look back on moments in my life I can say I believe I have been attracted to women for a very long time. I always thought these were simply girl crushes…I just felt more comfortable with women. I often thought something was wrong with me, but truly never thought it was that I was gay. I just always felt odd and different…but doesn’t everyone feel that? I guess my question is simply how do I continue to live my life. I honestly feel like I am breaking apart…breathing hurts. Yet, I don’t see options. I am not even sure if I am gay. I don’t want to be gay…I d o not have a life in which that lifestyle would fit. However, going on as things are, feels like I am slowly dying. I feel so very confused and so very lost. My job is one in which I can’t risk anyone even knowing I am struggling with these feelings. I don’t even know if there is anything you can say to help. I just feel very desperate. Chely’s book is amazing, but it scares the crap out of me on so many levels. I want the freedom she has and I ache to be whoever I am and yet I feel so amazingly trapped, lost and so desperately alone. Any advice you can give off of such little information would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you for reading this…I feel I have nowhere else to go…yet it is crazy writing this to someone I don’t even know.
Dear Nowhere to Go,
Its clear from you letter that you already have the answers you say you need. What it appears like you are looking for is courage. we all have courage, somewhere deep inside you it lies waiting for you to take charge. The risks you fear pale in comparison to being dead. Take all this pain,loneness and heartache to a place of self discovery. Go to therapy, go to lesbian events allow yourself to start living. You know who you are. Your life determines your life style not the other way around. You’ve been sad long enough. Make a decision to be happy and loved. Feel what you feel. only you know your truths. Your only trapped if you allow yourself to be trapped. One of the great advantages of being an adult is you get to make your own decisions and choices. Try that. Choose what makes you happy. Find a support system that will embrace you.
Life is short. Fear is an illusion. You are in charge of your freedom. Take it!