In Love With A Woman And Possibly My Ex-Husband Too

June 15, 2011

Q: I left my marriage in November of 2009 because of a lot of different issues. He was addicted to online porn, we never communicated about anything of substance, and i just felt emotionally horrible. I had tried therapists a number of times and all of them said ” you either accept his addiction or leave and work on yourself” I didn’t want to leave and i didn’t want to stay either. I felt stuck! I had started a new job the previous summer and had just turned 40. My daughter, whom I’m extremely close to had graduated high school and moved out for college. I just felt bad all the way around. Summer of 2009 I had a brief affair out of shear loneliness. My husband found out and that’s when I started talking about moving out. I told him i needed time to just work on me and figure things out. In the mean time I became incredibly attracted to a woman at work. I knew I had bee n attracted to women off and on but not unattracted to men, it completely depended on the person. This person and I started seeing each other about the time I moved out of the marital home. Long story short- we now live together and I came out to family and friends. Now I’m missing my ex and wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life! I love this woman, but I think I may still love my ex too. I try to focus on why i left but since then he’s sought therapy and quit the porn. Where do I go now! I feel so torn and i pray A LOT! Help!

A: Dear Torn,

What a terrible situation.  You made a simple mistake.  You never gave yourself time to heal from one relationship before getting into another one.  The grass might be greener but it’s just as hard to mown.  Before you make another life altering decision, go to therapy and figure out who you are and what you want.  Don’t let what other people say, like your ex, influence your decisions about your life.  Anyone in recovery from an addiction should not even attempt a relationship for at least a year.  So what is he saying?  Sounds like you have a lot of self discovery to do.  Do it.  Get to know yourself.  And then start thinking about what you want to do. Give yourself time.  If you go back, you will then be asking why you left someone you loved.  Your life is important.  Treat it like it is important.  No one should care about it more than you.  Starting living that way.  Get going.  You might learn some great wonderful interesting things about yourself.  Good luck.