Q: My daughter came out to us in her senior year of college. Crying and Crying I asked her if she was sick, or had cancer and when she finally could speak and said she was gay, both her father and I just said “Thank goodness”. Soon after she graduated she move to Berlin Germany. There she had two long relationships with guys but ended both because of her sexual attraction to women. She truly loved both these young men but knew it wasn’t fair to any of them. Eight years have gone by and she seems more tortured each time she comes home. She self analyses every move she makes and seems angry and unhappy. She is not out but to a few family members but in Germany she is more open and goes to gay pride festivities. She had gone to a couple of bars here but says all the women are Dikes and thats not her type. I told her that its very hard because the women like her are also hiding and how in the world do you meet? I worry because for the past year or so she has gotten angrier saying she hates women for their bitchyness and can’t be with men. She is constantly self analyzing every move she makes and seems to be in a self-destruct mode in her professional life. She is so beautiful and smart but she doesn’t laugh much and is angry much of the time focusing on her gay issue. Her mantra ” I HATE Being GAY”, why can’t I be like most women with the husband, kids and picket fence! I love her so much and I just want her to have a partner to share life with and have her focus on something or someone other than herself because it is making her a bitter, dark person. Any suggestions.
A: Dear looking for Suggestions,
Your daughter needs to focus on herself right now. An angry, depressed, self destruction woman is not going to attract anyone, let alone a beautiful, happy self loving woman. Your daughter sounds like she could greatly benefit from individual therapy as soon as possible. What we see in others is really a mirror of what we see in ourselves. If she sees bitchy women, well chances are she is being bitchy. But bitchy is just a symptom of pain. In stead of self analysis your daughter needs the help of a trained personal. All the things she wants are available to her, love, kids, a picket fence and they are not impossible because she likes women, it sounds like they are impossible for her right now because she doesn’t like herself. Get her to a LGBT positive therapist and maybe even a medical doctor to see if she would benefit from medication. No one’s live should be that unhappy. She is so lucky to have parents that love her and want to help her. You are good, caring Mom and your daughters life can be happy and filled with love. But first she needs to learn how to love herself.