Added March 26, 2011
I have know that I was lesbian since I was 4 years old but because I was raised in a Southern Baptist family, I knew early in my life that I would not be accepted comfortably, I remember being caught by my mother with a picture of my 2nd grade crush in my pocket. I remember her asking me why I had it and my heart was pounding so hard in my chest. I knew I had to lie and say that she was my best friend when in reality this girl barely knew I existed.
I had many crushes on girls, then women growing up and had to force myself to like guys. I vowed to never act on my feelings for women but hoped to settle down with a man that I could grow to like enough to have a family. Meanwhile, I studied hard and got great grades in school and a successful career and I was the pride and joy in my mother’s life.
One day, at age 31, against all of my efforts, I fell deeply in love with a woman and slowly came out. I didn’t tell my mother but she figured it out after I lived with my partner for a year. My mother told me that God did not approve and that I was going to hell. She also said that “she wished I was never born”. I was devastated because I had gone from her pride and joy to someone that she wished was never born all because of who I loved. We rarely spoke after that.
My partner and I were together 8 years and her family became my family. When we broke up, I was devastated because part of the cause of the breakup was the fear and insecurities that my family placed on me about being gay.
Now, after therapy and finding a church that is supportive of LGBT people, I realize that being gay is as natural to me as my brown eyes. God made me and he didn’t make a mistake. It would be against my nature to try and be with a man. I have learned to not let my mother’s feelings dictate my happiness. We have a relationship where she knows that she can’t change me and we try to agree to disagree.
It does get better. You just have to be willing to live to make yourself happy and not try to live your life for other people.