I separated from my husband of 15 years about 9 years ago. The divorce was the result of abuse, etc. I have two children; they were 7 and 9 at the time. I knew that once divorced I would be “uncovered” but I also knew that I never wanted to be with a man again. All my life I knew that something was missing. My friends would talk about boyfriends/husbands and I just did not feel what they felt. Throughout my life I had secret crushes on women, but never allowed myself to acknowledge that it was because I was gay. I never let my heart or mind confront these feelings, until my marriage was over. I knew I did not want to live a lie; I wanted to feel what I knew I had never felt and would never feel with a man.
I spent two years going to gay bars, talking with other lesbians, and for the first time I felt I could exhale. I was home and it was so natural. Then, unexpectedly I met a wonderful woman. I came out to myself, family, friends, over time, even my kids, but I am still not fully “out”. I feel like I am still ashamed of myself as a sexual being, let alone a lesbian, that I say that I am gay. I say that I have a partner, but I don’t live it. There is always this elephant in the room and I cannot take it anymore. Neither can my partner. We have been together for over six years now and the long arduous process of coming out, moving out of my parents home, finalizing a long and painful divorce, dealing with my children, has weighed very heavily on us.
I simply want to live an adult life, with a partner, and not be afraid to integrate that with my children and to accept that I am entitled to have this wonderful woman in my life and make her part of my life with my children, in my home. I feel as though for all my life I have been told how to live, which wasn’t how I wanted to live, ,that I don’t know how to live MY life at this point. I don’t want fear and shame anymore. I want peace and love of myself. I don’t know why I can’t find that inner peace and strength. That is where I am at now; a journey of finding inner strength and self esteem to fully live my life with my girlfriend and not worry about how that might impact on anyone or what anyone might think. I want to live my life as though I am entitled, because I am.
