I’m 22 yrs old and from Europe. I grew up surrounded by understanding, open minded and liberal people. When I read stories about people who are not accepted by their families/friends because of their sexuality, who struggle to come to term with themselves because of their religion, who live in fear, I’m almost scared they might despise me for my “problem”, for the “drama” I create for myself about my own sexuality.
It would make my life a whole lot easier if I just told my family and friends that I’m almost sure that I am a lesbian, but I can’t even have the thought of telling them. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Would they understand? Would it change the way they see me? I feel like I might be letting them down, for whatever reason. How can I? Surrounded by gay people (actually only men though) all my life, I almost hate myself for feeling the way I do; for not being able to even talk to my therapist about it; for thinking one thing-but doing another. Nobody would expect me to be gay. Maybe that is what makes it even harder. Spotting and befriending feminine lesbians in my everyday life seems impossible, because i seem to be lacking the infamous “gaydar”.
My personal journey is still filled with a million questions and a lot of contempt for myself for various reasons. Although I know I am a good person. I should just get the courage to be true to myself because compared to other journeys; mine should be a piece of cake.
