Nov 30, 2011

Q: My problem is that I’m just now struggling with my sexuality. I’ve had one relationship in the past. It did happen to be with a woman but I don’t think it was a traditional “meet someone attraction” relationship. We were best friends that ended up becoming sexual. I really think we filled a need in each others life at that time. Since then, she has moved on, married a man and has kids. We are still friends although the breakup was very rough on me. So at that point, I buried myself in my career. Well, now I’m struggling to discover myself. I have alot of shame about the fact that I’m doing this at such a late age and my lack of relationship experience. I feel “stupid” because most people discover there sexuality in there teens and twenties. It is very embarrassing for me and I struggle to find anyone to talk to because of that fact. How do I figure it out? I’m really not sure if I’m a lesbian/bisexual or if I don’t know because I’ve never been with a man. My previous relationship has me so scared to put myself out there that I struggle to even try. How do I find the right steps to take?

A: Dear Struggling,

One kiss doesn’t determine a person’s sexual orientation; it isn’t that simple for everyone. Some people just know their orientation, while others grow into it. It sounds like you are more afraid of getting your heart broken then finding out what your sexual orientation is. In fact it sounds like you haven’t entirely healed form your first relationship. Go find a good supportive therapist you can talk to. Join a women’s group that has both straight and gay women in it. Heal your heart before you try and determine your sexual orientation. You loved and got close to someone — how sweet and wonderful is that! If you did it once you can do it again. Whether it is with a man or a woman only time will tell. Don’t start another relationship until you have entirely closed the door on this one. Deal with your fear of intimacy. It sounds like that is the core issue right now. Once you do that, then you can begin to explore all the other unknown questions. Try seeing this as an exciting, fun opportunity. The healed, courageous you. That is the person you want to meet. I am sure whatever her sexual orientation is, she is loveable and delightful. Go have some fun.

Nov 30, 2011

Q:I came out to my mother nearly at 18 after she indirectly asked me if I was dating a college friend. I was and currently am dating this same girl now. My mother did not take the news of my sexuality well despite years of me being a tomboy. As a religious Black woman, she believes that the bible is correct in its statement that homosexuality is a sin and has told me this. Despite this, we still talk very often and have a decent relationship although I cannot talk about my loving relationship with my girlfriend or even mention her name. I have no intentions of leaving this relationship or starting to date men, so I need to move forward with my mother and be able to speak frankly about my relationships. My girlfriends parents are very happy with our relationship. I am going to live with my girlfriend for my junior year of college, we visit each other long distance, and plan to travel together- I’m tired of lying to my mother because I don’t want to hurt her feelings anymore. She cries whenever I try to talk about homosexuality or religion since we disagree on both of these topics. How do I begin to stop the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell type stalemate with my mother on my serious relationship with my girlfriend?

A: Dear Already Came Out,

Good for you for having the courage to come out. It seems clear that your mother isn’t very happy about this, but in spite of that the two of you have remained close. If you try to get into a philosophical argument about what the Bible says about homosexuality, you will lose. Since your mother already knows you are gay and you talk frequently, why not try a more subtle approach? When you are talking to your mother just discreetly mention something you did with your girlfriend. Give your mother a chance to see the normalcy of your relationship. Don’t bring up your being gay, bring up your life. It doesn’t sound like your mother wants to lose her relationship with you. Give her a chance, take baby steps, allow her to get used to the fact that you have a partner. No one wants to have their options challenged, especially options about morally. Allow your mother into your life, bit by bit. Give her a chance. Sometimes parents just need time to accept that their child did not become what they expected. Don’t give up. Keep talking, try not making the conversation about your sexual orientation. Your life is more important and I am sure your happiness is the most important thing to your mom. Good luck. People change. But you need to give them room to do that.

Nov 30, 2011

Q:
I have some problems with my mom. I am out to everyone in my family except my dads side of the family. They really hurt my brother and disowned him when he came out. My dad knows I’m gay but doesn’t know about my girlfriend. My mom uses that against me, saying she will tell my dad if I don’t do this or that. She is so supportive of my brother, and it seems like they get along better since he’s come out. I don’t really have anyone to talk to about me being gay, but she won’t talk about it unless she has something negative to say towards me. It’s making me super depressed because I can’t be myself at home. I mean, she accepts my brother so what’s wrong with me? Why am I not allowed to be happy? Also, she will say stuff about my dads side saying I shouldn’t come out because she will be hurt again. She’s not afraid for me to be hurt, she’s afraid of what they will think of her. Not only does she have one gay child, but she has two. I’m like the broken one it feels like? What should I do?

A: Dear I don’t know what to do,

The very first thing to do is accept and believe that you are entitled to happiness in spite of anyone else’s ideas. Neither your Mom nor you Dad can prevent you from being happy. Since you claim that your brother has been embraced and accepted by your family, start this journey by talking to him. Find out what he did that enabled him to have a good relationship with your parents. Clearly he has already gone through this, so start there. If your Dad knows you are gay and he is ok with it then ask him to explain it to the rest of his family. It is always a parents job to protect their children, so let him do that for you. As far as your mother goes, you are not responsible for her happiness. All children want the love and support of their parents but that is not always possible. The more you allow your mother to manipulate you, the more she will. She has a lot to gain by continuing to reject your sexual orientation, if she knows she can get you to do whatever she wants. There is no incentive for her to be any different. The only one who can inspire change here is you. Be proud. Love yourself. Accept that you are entitled to happiness and love and it is your job to make that happen in your life. If this situation continues and you are frought with pain, find a therapist to whom you can talk or join a group for people coming out. Find a support system. Maybe you could ask your dad to talk to your Mom. Be in charge of your life. You may find that the stronger you get, the more respect you will get. Don’t cave, you can do this, it is your moral and spiritual responsibility to take care of your self first. Best of luck.

Nov 30, 2011

Q:I recently discovered my feelings for woman and have always dated men. I recently met a great woman who I was not sure exactly what my feelings were for her. I knew she was my best friend but thought I was feeling more. A recent weekend away with other friends, (We all live in different states), she got really sick. I held her hand and stayed awake with her all night to make sure she was ok. Well, when she held my hand I did not get the feelings I was expecting to get. I discovered from this that she is my best friend and that is what I was feeling. Well someone mentioned to me that she asked if they thought I had feelings for her so I wanted to be honest with her. We have stated from the beginning of our friendship that we would always be honest with each other. I told her about my feelings and that on this trip I realized that my feelings were pure friendship. Ever since the trip I feel like there has been a distance between us. We used to talk everyday, sometimes for hours at a time. I have only spoken with her once since the trip and she has been very short with the text messages she sends me. Not sure what to do at this point because I feel like I have lost her as my best friend. Any advice would help at this point.

A: Dear Not Sure What to Do,

It seems pretty clear what you need to do. You claimed that from the beginning you two would always be honest. Do that. Ask her about her change in behavior. That would be honest. Without that you could spend the rest of you life speculating on why her behavior changed. The only way to know the answer is to ask her. And while you are being honest, ask yourself is this her change in behavior or yours. Now, that you know your true feelings, are you the one who has started to behave differently? Honesty on both sides of the street is critical to any successful relationship. Be brave and always be honest. Best wishes to you.

Nov 30, 2011

Q: I am a lesbian who came out about 4 months ago but my mom completely disowned me and says I’ll burn in hell how do I get her to accept me for who I am?

A: Dear Disowned,

I am sorry to hear that your mother has been so traumatized by this news. What she does or doesn’t do in relationship to her acceptance of you is really out of your hands. There are a few things you may want to try, like talking to her spiritual advisor (e.g., priest, minister, rabbi, etc.) and asking that person to speak with your mother. You could also get her information that explains and educates people about sexual orientation. Organizations like Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLG) or a local LGBT center can provide this kind of information to you. You could ask her to go to family therapy with you if you are SURE the provider is supportive and knowledgeable about sexual orientation. The other option is to continue having your normal relationship with your mother and give her time to see that you are happy and fulfilled; she may just change her feelings about this. Be clear that you do not believe you will be burning in hell. You may like to know the the actual Hebrew translation of the commandments “Don’t take the lords name in vain” is, in fact, “Don’t speak for God.” None of us has the right or privilege to determine how or even if what one does will even get God’s attention. Be true to yourself. Be happy and loved. Your mother will always be your mother and you her daughter. Be the daughter she will be proud of, because then you are being the person you will be proud of. Stay strong, true to yourself and best wishes to you.