Nov 30, 2011

Q: I have a friend who has a young daughter who is having gender questions. She has always wanted to dress like a boy, she has 3 brothers. They always aloud her, but now she is angry all the time, they have found notes she has written saying she hates herself and her family and notes saying she loves them as well. I believe she is very mixed up she is only nine, I know her mom wants to do what ever she can to have her daughter find happiness, but she is also unsure of what to do. I said for her to look at the like me site but I would like some info I can use to help her as well, thank you

A: Dear Friend of Mixed Up Child.

Children are puzzling. You are kind to seek out answers for this troubling situation. Children’s emotions fluctuate a great deal by nature, so it is difficult to determine if the child’s feelings are within the normal range for children her age or if her feelings indicate a serious problem. This would require a professional evaluation. Although you say your friend just wants her daughter to be happy, I would caution you about confronting your friend. As puzzling as children are, parents are even more puzzling. It is a rare parent who wants to feel her parenting is being critiqued. However, if you have a very close relationship with your friend, then I would highly suggest that you encourage her to take her daughter to a mental health or medical professional for an evaluation, such as a social worker, psychologist, or pediatrician. If you don’t have that kind of close relationship with your friend, you could also call the girl’s school and talk to the school counselor anonymously and express your concerns. If you believe this is a life threatening situation for the child you could also call Child Protective Services. This too can be done anonymously. It sounds like you are deeply concerned, so doing nothing doesn’t seem like an option. Whatever course of action you take I urge you to act quickly and not let fear stand in your way. Children do not think of consequences and often their rash decisions are life threatening. Best wishes to you.

June 15, 2011
Female

Q: My parents are always saying negative things about the gay community! I am so to speak still in the closet from them… only one family member and a few friends know im gay… My question is how can two people who have always told their children that everyone is equal and yet be so judgmental of others?

A: Dear How Can It Be.

That’s a great question. But I am afraid there is no satisfactory answer. We could never know what moves people to say, act and behave in any way positive or negative. Maybe you should ask them. It seems like they would be the only ones with the real answer. Maybe you could point out this confusing behavior on their part and find an answer. It’s always best to go to the source and hope for the truth. Best wishes.

June 15, 2011
Female

About 8 months after starting therapy, my husband tried to put his hands on my throat. I hit his hands away. I decided that he would never change and that I was the only one that could protect myself and my kids, so I left. I noticed a sense of relief in my children after a few days of being gone. I felt good about my decision. After a several months, I began thinking about the posibility of dating women. I wanted to see if what I felt inside was real. I went out with a few women and it was nice. But, then I met a woman that I felt a strong attraction to and we connected on so many levels. We have been girlfriends for 2 1/2 years. We are in a LDR and only see each other every few months. We just saw each other recently and don’t want to be apart. We want to live together, but we are both concerned about the children’s reactions. My ex has been manipulating our children and I rarely get to see them anymore. My partner and I want a life together. We are happy when we are together.

I just started going to a local university and live in a very small, conservative town. We both agree that I should be close to where my kids are until they are grown. My 2 eldest have aligned themselves with their dad and blame me for the divorce, even though they don’t know that I’m gay. I would like to come out to my children to be able to live honestly and be fair to my partner, so we don’t have to hide anymore. But, I am also afraid that my ex will use this info as more “proof” that I am to blame for the divorce. I feel stuck. I want to be free, but I am scared to lose my children. Thank you for any help.

A: Dear Scared,

I am sorry things have been so incredible hard for you. But you sound strong and were able to leave an abusive relationship; that takes a lot of courage. Anything else will be easy compared to that.

Since you didn’t say how old your children were, its difficult to help with how much information you share with them. It also seems that your ex will use any information to build a case against you. Without more information, it seems the best thing to do is be a loving attentive parent in every way you can under this difficult situation. Children grow up and make decisions on their own, based on what you did or did not do in being available and loving. Is this really the time to share your personal life with them? You are the parent and your job is to protect them. If that means you maintain privacy about your life then that might be the best thing to do. As far as being with your partner, get creative, see if there are ways you can be together more frequently. Can she move closer to you? Plan your life. Take charge of your future; but as a parent and a partner. There are many different creative ways that people structure families. Find one that will work best for all of you. There is an answer. Look outside the traditional box. You’ve done a lot already, keep going. And be sure you stay in a loving place, both with your children and your partner. Make it happen. You can do it.

June 15, 2011
Female

Q: I left my marriage in November of 2009 because of a lot of different issues. He was addicted to online porn, we never communicated about anything of substance, and i just felt emotionally horrible. I had tried therapists a number of times and all of them said ” you either accept his addiction or leave and work on yourself” I didn’t want to leave and i didn’t want to stay either. I felt stuck! I had started a new job the previous summer and had just turned 40. My daughter, whom I’m extremely close to had graduated high school and moved out for college. I just felt bad all the way around. Summer of 2009 I had a brief affair out of shear loneliness. My husband found out and that’s when I started talking about moving out. I told him i needed time to just work on me and figure things out. In the mean time I became incredibly attracted to a woman at work. I knew I had bee n attracted to women off and on but not unattracted to men, it completely depended on the person. This person and I started seeing each other about the time I moved out of the marital home. Long story short- we now live together and I came out to family and friends. Now I’m missing my ex and wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life! I love this woman, but I think I may still love my ex too. I try to focus on why i left but since then he’s sought therapy and quit the porn. Where do I go now! I feel so torn and i pray A LOT! Help!

A: Dear Torn,

What a terrible situation. You made a simple mistake. You never gave yourself time to heal from one relationship before getting into another one. The grass might be greener but it’s just as hard to mown. Before you make another life altering decision, go to therapy and figure out who you are and what you want. Don’t let what other people say, like your ex, influence your decisions about your life. Anyone in recovery from an addiction should not even attempt a relationship for at least a year. So what is he saying? Sounds like you have a lot of self discovery to do. Do it. Get to know yourself. And then start thinking about what you want to do. Give yourself time. If you go back, you will then be asking why you left someone you loved. Your life is important. Treat it like it is important. No one should care about it more than you. Starting living that way. Get going. You might learn some great wonderful interesting things about yourself. Good luck.

June 15, 2011
Female

Question: I learned 7 months ago my partner has been seeing, calling and texting - what she calls an old friend from 20 years ago. They reconnected on FB, however they were never friends on FB. She lied and lied about knowing this person, then finally admitted they were only “friends” This “affair” had been going on for 9 months and it was such a shock to me since it was right under my nose.

If it was all innocent as she claims - why lie? If they were “just friends” wouldn’t you consider this an emotional affair? The calls and text escalated and were always initiated by my partner and some texting lasted 5-6 hours! I feel so betrayed, because I desperately wanted friends too. Why didn’t she include me, and why lie about everything??? I cannot trust anything she says now.

Answer: Dear Can’t Trust,

If your question is, why is your girlfriend lying, there could be a number of answers. She didn’t want to deal with the consequences of the truth; she didn’t want you to know; she liked things the way they were; she had something to hide. Really we could spend the rest of our lives trying to answer that question.

People lie because they don’t want to deal with the truth. And once someone lies, it is very difficult to trust them again. Not impossible, because most of us want to believe what people tell us. We often believe lies even when we know they are lies. Sometimes we so desperately want to believe things, we accept the obvious lie as the truth and then act shocked. Just remember, a leopard doesn’t change its spots. If you want friends, go make friends. But if it’s a friend, you don’t hide that from your partner. Be safe my friend.