June 15, 2011
Female (Age 19)

Q: I recently came to terms with my sexuality and I am comfortable with who I am but I am afraid to tell my parents and immediate family because I don’t think they will accept me. I’m at my breaking point because I feel like I don’t have anyone to turn to. Having to hide is such an awful thing to deal with. How would you suggest I come out to my parents?

A: Dear Coming Out,

You are very brave to be considering this. It is never easy to come out when you fear that you will be rejected and not accepted. Sometimes it takes time for people to accept things they don’t understand. Be sure you have a really good support system before you do it. Make sure there are people that love you and accept you that you can turn to if it doesn’t go well. Once you do, have some resources for your parents. Have a plan for yourself so when it’s over you have somewhere to go where you will be with loving, accepting people that know what you were doing. Be brave and select a time that feels right. But make sure you have built a strong support system. It gets easier. And coming out is a lifelong task. Good luck. Be strong and trust yourself.

June 15, 2011
Female

Q: I’ve been struggling with my feelings for quite a while now. Right now I’m a single mom (divorced 2 yrs ago) with 2 boys. All my life I’ve noticed an attraction to women, whether it be my teachers, friends, or celebrities. Even though I can look at a man & say that they are attractive, it’s definitely women that I’m drawn to. I’ve never dated much. My relationships started out as friends with people I worked with, and I’ve only had 3 serious relationships in the past & really just faked my way through it, only being able to achieve orgasm with the help of toys & my imagination. Now, I haven’t been with a woman yet either and I don’t even know where to start-what do I say, hey I just want to experiment? Can’t see that going over real well. I work from home and can’t get out much with the kids so that’s another wrinkl e. I’m not sure I want to “come out” until I know for sure, because what if I just haven’t found the right guy yet? I do not know anyone personally (only via internet) who is gay and since I live in the “Don’t Say Gay” state I’m not sure who to talk to or where to go to meet people. I don’t have health insurance so the only counseling that I’m aware of would be Christian based and I don’t think that would work in this instance. I think my family for the most part will be supportive so I’m not too worried there. I don’t have any moral/religious issue with being gay, it’s just that I’d rather be normal. I want the fairy tale, you know? But I also want to be happy and I’m not and I haven’t been truly happy or comfortable in my own skin since, well, forever. I don’t want to lie or be fake about it anymore, it’s not fair to anyone, and I know my ex-husband was very hurt too. I guess my question is, how do you know for sure? And is there anyone I can talk to in my area?

A:Dear Want to be Normal,

Sounds like you are very confused and unhappy and that is the most un- normal thing for anyone. Happiness is your birthright. There are lesbians and gays everywhere in every state. Dig deeper and I am sure you will find LGBT organizations, churches, clubs, and bars. There is not a simple formula for relationships. Each one has its own style and people come together for many reasons. Love, companionship, friendship, sex. What do you want? Every relationship is its own experiment. Don’t let that stop you from exploring. Life is about exploring. And most professionals say the biggest sex organ is the one on your shoulders. It’s ok to fantasize. That is not a statement about your sexual orientation. Could be a statement about not knowing your body or having a partner that is not meeting your needs. Explore. Try different things. Go out with some women, have sex, see how it feels. You wouldn’t buy shoes without trying them on. Just know a date is not a wedding. Don’t make any commitments. Get to know people. Have some fun. Grown and learn. Enjoy this great life and don’t feel like you have to label yourself today. Be patient. Stay open and the answers will come to you. You have to do the work. Get out there and explore.

June 15, 2011
Female (Age 47)

Q: I am a gay woman and I am out to most people that I associate with socially or at work. So I have no fear of people knowing about me. My problem is that historically I have only fallen for straight women. I was involved in several lesbian relationships during college and young adulthood. I am in love with a straight woman and have been seeing her for the past 9 years. Although, she has made it clear to me that she is straight and wants to either be with a man or marry a man in the future. What would keep me hanging on to this relationship that is going nowhere? What could be the reason for mainly being attracted to and going after straight women. I desperately want to change this pattern of behavior.

A: Dear Hanging On,

Really, you have been in a relationship with a woman for 9 years and she claims she is straight. Really? People don’t spend 9 years in a relationship because it’s not where they want to be. And that includes you. If you really didn’t want to be there, you wouldn’t be.

This sounds like an issue of honesty, self acceptance and intimacy. Staying with someone that is telling you they are leaving creates huge barriers to intimacy. How close can you get? Not very. And that is the same with being attracted to straight women; it prevents intimacy.

You need to look at your role and what you truly want. Do you want to be close and intimate, or do you want to be holding back and have the illusion of safety? It is an illusion, because if you end a 9 year relationship, it will be painful. Relationships require honesty on every level. Start with your own. Do you like the distance this creates? Do you need to be living in a situation where there is limited safety? This would be a good time for you to examine what you want and what you are willing to do to get it.

As far as your 9 year partner goes, she has her own denial going on. There is nothing you can do about that. Maybe it’s the perfect relationship. Maybe in 9 years you want more. Take care of your side of the street. Get real about what you want your life to look like and then go for it. Relationships are scary. To have a great relationship you have to take risks. You have a lot to gain by examining these questions. If you don’t want to go there, accept what you have and stop trying to change her. If that’s what she needs to say and believe, let her. If you need a different kind of partner decide what that would look like and see if you can get it with her. If not, cast a bigger net and find what you want. This is a great chance to grow. And you will always benefit from personal grown. Good luck, look deep and get real and honest.

June 15, 2011
Female (Age 14)

Q: Hello.

First of all, sorry for my english, is not my first language.

I would like to know how to be stronger when I want to talk with girls to invite them to take some coffee, just to know them better, and most of all, to know if they are gay or not, because it’s not easy at all to know it, if you don’t know them better.

The thing is that I’m very shy, and with woman is worst, I get so so nervous that I can’t say what I want to say, or maybe I’m able to say it but with a scared face that can make others asking what is happening to me…I think I get so nervous because I’m so so shy and insecure, moreover I’m not ok with being gay, I’m scared about what the girl might think about me, maybe they get scared and I don’t want to be rejected for being gay, and….I have to face the fact that there are more straight than gay women…I’m used to be atracted to straight woman, it’s paintful. I would like to be able to talk in a calmy way with woman, not being so anxious.

Thanks a lot.

A: Dear Shy,

Overcoming shyness takes practice. The more you do it, the easier it gets. If you are worried that the girl is straight, try going to places where you know the women you meet are most likely gay. Be prepared. Make a list of questions and suggestions that you can use when you first meet someone new. Make it before you do something social. If you are talking about events and the other person’s life and interest, people are more willing to open up and share. You might also want to make of list of all the wonderful, desirable traits you bring to a relationship. Keep that in mind because you are offering yourself and that is the most valuable thing. Try not to make it so heavy, make a game out of it. Like tonight I will approach five women that wear glasses. Set small goals for yourself. And know that you are the prize, not them. Have fun! Meeting new people is interesting and exciting. Go for it!

June 15, 2011
Female (Age 44)

Q: My partner and I have been together just shy of 14 years. We have a small horse farm together and other property. She has many endearing qualities, but one just kills me and is related to an episode we had this weekend. When she is stressed and then we she misplaces something, it is always my fault. She becomes verbally abusive which wounds me, but for her, she doesn’t see an issue. IT is related to her core personality and also to abuse she suffered as a child. She is 53. We are trying to sell our small horse farm and move to another we have been building. We both have corporate jobs so our lives are pretty stressful.

We have been in and out of this issue for years and just when I think things are getting better, something happens. I just don’t know how much more of this I can take. I believe that couples who make it long term go through many trying times. I am not quite ready to give up yet, but want to be happier. Any thoughts?

A: Dear Any Thoughts,

First thing, if you feel like you are being abused then you are!! It’s impossible to make another person change and it sounds like you have been trying to do that for a very long time. Since you are not ready to give up, then it is you that has to change. Start creating boundaries and limits to what you are willing to tolerate. If you can explain that you are not going to belly up to being attacked and set some limits that you accurately carry out, then maybe your partner will start to see your word means something. Get out of the house, go for a walk, spend the night at a friend’s place. You are responsible for your happiness. We teach people how to treat us by how we allow them to treat us, good or bad. Stand up for yourself by taking action. You don’t necessarily have to end the relationship to send the message that you are serious and this treatment has to stop. Pack a bag and put it in your car so when this happens you can just leave. It doesn’t sound like talking has worked and that’s because you keep allowing yourself to be abused. Your partner has no incentive to treat you better. Try this. The other option is couples therapy. That will open doors for communication. If you change, the people around you will change. If this continues, then you can expect your heart to be chipped away until there is nothing left. Be strong, don’t be afraid and know you are doing the right thing. It is your right to be happy. Good luck.