June 15, 2011
Female

Q: About a year and a half ago I ended a relationship with a woman that I’d really thought was “the one”. Breaking up with her was the right thing for me to do, but I find that ever since then I just can’t bringmyself to even entertain the idea of dating. Not because I miss her, but because the thought of making myself vulnerable to someone again is almost paralyzing. I don’t trust my own judgement anymore. Afterall, I was so sure that she was the one and I turned out to be completely wrong. I’m terrified of going through heartbreak like that again.

I feel like there is something in me that’s stuck. How do I get past this?

A:Dear The One,

The great thing about one being a primary number is that there are other primary numbers. If you were brilliant and sexy and smart enough to find that one, then you can surely find the next one. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Congratulate yourself for falling in love and finding someone. That’s a great feat, you should be proud of yourself. Having done it once, you now have some experience under your belt that will actually make you better at it the next time. Get out there and give those lucky girls a chance at your beautiful loving heart. You deserve it. You’ve earned the right to try again. Kick up your heels and go have some fun.

June 15, 2011
Female

Q: I have been married for over 20 years to a man I met when I was 16 years old (we have been together for 26 years). I am overwhelmed. I have realized that I am and have been unhappy all along but could not put my finger on why. I know that I am bisexual. I am in the closet and do not know what to do about this realization. I am petrified, literally. I want so badly to feel “whole” for the very first time in my life. But I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know where to start. I am afraid I will hurt my family, my spouse, and my children. I don’t know where to turn. Can someone please help me? I’m so confused.

A: Dear Where to Start,

This is a good first step, reaching out. I would strongly suggest that you make an appointment with a therapist as soon as possible. Since you have been with your husband since you were 16, you have never had a chance at being independent so this must be terrifying for you. Take your time, go talk to someone and figure out what you want to do and what you want the rest of your life to look like. This is a grand adventure. Planning is always important. Because you can never get to your destination unless you know where you are!

June 15, 2011
Female (Age 49)

Q: I am a young widow of 3 years. I was married to a man, but I have known for a very long time the likelihood that I was gay, but I was trying to do what I thought was the “right” thing by society’s standards. Although I was committed to my husband and we miss him, I know that I am a gay woman and I cannot live a lie by being open to dating a man again. It would not be fair to any party involved. I have 2 daughters, ages 14 and 11. When is/would be the right time to tell either or both of them of this aspect of who I am. I know it depends on each individual child. However, is there a sort of guideline, or do you have suggestions as to what questions I need to consider when I begin to ponder of how and when to share that piece of information with my children?

Thanks so much for you help!

A: Dear When To Tell,

First I am sorry for your loss but also honor your bravery and personal courage. As far as telling your children about your sexual orientation, there are no guidelines for that sort of thing. It is a totally personal decision. You have to factor in your relationship with them, their level of maturity, how much detail you share about your private life as a matter of practice. You should do what feels comfortable to you. And judge what feels comfortable to them. You’re the parent so you set the rules. Sounds like you are a very wise woman. Trust yourself and I am sure you will do just fine.

June 15, 2011
Female

Q: How does one learn to accept themselves? I’ve known I was gay all my life and I came out to my family at the age of 17. I have been in therapy for 5 years and suffer from depression, anxiety and severe anger issues and my health has gone out the window. I take 5 different meds and it still doesn’t take away the fear, angry and anxiety, I know the meds aren’t going to solve my problem, the only thing that will would be to accept myself for who and what I am, I’m just so afraid all the time of everything, please help!

A: Dear Still Depressed,

First let me congratulate you on not giving up; good for you. There is an answer. And your right medication alone will not fix anything. They will help, as will therapy, but that too is not enough. The bottom line is… total unconditional self love is the answer you are looking for. Loving yourself is the only solution to solving depression, anxiety, panic, anger, fear, pretty much what ever hurts us. If you can learn to love yourself unconditionally and accept that these emotions are somehow keeping you alive and protecting you and not harming you, then you can accept them in a loving way and use them to enhance your life and your understanding of what is going on with your emotional world.

Start doing daily affirmations like, I am loveable. I am beautiful. I am special. And every day do an act of self-love which would be something that can only make you feel good. That means it doesn’t make you feel bad if you don’t do it.

Treat yourself with kindness. For instance, understand that fear is an important emotion, is there to protect us from danger. Find out what you think is endangering you. When you are experiencing an emotion ask yourself, how this feeling is benefiting me. Everything we do and feel benefits us. Find out and then see if you really need that emotion to get that benefit? This is a great chance for you to dig deep and explore yourself. And remember always; put the mask on yourself first!

June 15, 2011
Female

Q: I have issues with being comfortable sexually with anyone. Most times, I have to drink before anything happens and then I never feel free or comfortable. I also have overwhelming guilt and anxiety…cutting and persecutory thoughts are always present. How can I help myself?

A: Dear Sexually Uncomfortable,

It was very brave of you to write. This is a very big issue and not something that you can help yourself with alone. You need to have the help and support of a trained professional. It sounds like you have some deep injuries that need to be addressed and I am sure with the health of a caring therapist you will be able to enjoy all aspects of life without the need to take a drink. Call your health insurance and ask for a referral to a mental health therapist. If you don’t have insurance, call the NY LGBT Center and ask to have a mental health in-take and they can get you going in the right direction.

You are on the right path keep going. It will get better and better.