June 15, 2011
Female

Q: I am having problems getting over my ex, and I need to know what I can to do move on. I have tried to get back online to meet someone, but it seems I am not ready to. I live in a very small town & it’s hard to meet anyone.

A: Dear Getting Over Your Ex,

Getting over a relationship takes time. Dating is only one step in the healing process. Spend time with family and friends. Take up a new hobby or class, volunteer, begin an exercise program. This would be a great time to do all the things you wanted to do when you were in the relationship that you didn’t have time to do.

If you really want to date well that can be a project all in its self. There are lots of ways to meet new people including some of the activities I listed above. The more things you do the more people you meet. On line sites are just one way of meeting people. Get out there and try to have some fun. If you are happy and healed people will be drawn to you. Enjoy your new life.

May 30, 2011 - Age: 18

Q: I’m a lesbian, and I’m Christian. Though I’ve always supported gay< rights, I recently came out and have been struggling a lot in making these 2 huge aspects of my life work together. I got to a very dark place and started engaging in self-injury; I was cutting myself to try to deal with the pain. It helped (a lot), but when one of my teachers found out she spoke to me about it at length and got me help and I stopped doing about 4 months ago and haven't done it since. Lately, I've been having thoughts about it again. It takes effort for me to put a knife or scissors or a paper clip back down after holding it in my hand, even if I was using it for its intended use and not for hurting myself. I haven't acted on these feelings, but I don't know how long I'm going to be able to hold on without falling back into this trap. What do I do?

A: Good for you for Writing,

Maybe you should go back to where you got help the last time as soon as possible. Or talk to the teacher that helped you. It’s a good starting place. But you need to stick with it. The pain you are feeling on the inside doesn’t really go away when you cut, that’s your brain playing a trick on you. But you are a smart, smart girl and you won’t be tricked any more. So, let’s get real. When you hurt, you need to heal. Healing is a gentle, loving thing. And as a Christian, I am sure you know that G-d’s loving arms do not cut or scrap causing you to bleed. G-d is holding you in a warm embrace waiting for you to love and accept yourself. Go talk with someone as soon as you can. And don’t hurt yourself anymore. Love yourself.

May 30, 2011 - Age: 49

Q: I am a young widow of 3 years. I was married to a man, but I have known for a very long time the likelihood that I was gay, but I was trying to do what I thought was the “right” thing by society’s standards. Although I was committed to my husband and we miss him, I know that I am a gay woman and I cannot live a lie by being open to dating a man again. It would not be fair to any party involved. I have 2 daughters, ages 14 and 11. When is/would be the right time to tell either or both of them of this aspect of who I am. I know it depends on each individual child. However, is there a sort of guideline, or do you have suggestions as to what questions I need to consider when I begin to ponder of how and when to share that piece of information with my children?

Thanks so much for you help!

A: First I am sorry for your loss but also honor your bravery and personal courage. As far as telling your children about your sexual orientation, there are no guidelines for that sort of thing. It is a totally personal decision. You have to factor in your relationship with them, their level of maturity, how much detail you share about your private life as a matter of practice. You should do what feels comfortable to you. And judge what feels comfortable to them. You’re the parent so you set the rules. Sounds like you are a very wise woman. Trust yourself and I am sure you will do just fine.

May 30 , 2011 - Age: 44

Q: How does one learn to accept themselves? I’ve known I was gay all my life and I came out to my family at the age of 37. I have been in therapy for 15 years and suffer from depression, anxiety and severe anger issues and my health has gone out the window. I take 5 different meds and it still doesn’t take away the fear, angry and anxiety, I know the meds aren’t going to solve my problem, the only thing that will would be to accept myself for who and what I am, I’m just so afraid all the time of everything, please help!

A: First let me congratulate you on not giving up; good for you. There is an answer. And your right medication alone will not fix anything. They will help, as will therapy, but that too is not enough. The bottom line is… total unconditional self love is the answer you are looking for. Loving yourself is the only solution to solving depression, anxiety, panic, anger, fear, pretty much what ever hurts us. If you can learn to love yourself unconditionally and accept that these emotions are somehow keeping you alive and protecting you and not harming you, then you can accept them in a loving way and use them to enhance your life and your understanding of what is going on with your emotional world.

Start doing daily affirmations like, I am loveable. I am beautiful. I am special. And every day do an act of self-love which would be something that can only make you feel good. That means it doesn’t make you feel bad if you don’t do it.

Treat yourself with kindness. For instance, understand that fear is an important emotion, is there to protect us from danger. Find out what you think is endangering you. When you are experiencing an emotion ask yourself, how this feeling is benefiting me. Everything we do and feel benefits us. Find out and then see if you really need that emotion to get that benefit? This is a great chance for you to dig deep and explore yourself. And remember always; put the mask on yourself first!

May 30, 2011 - Age: 43

Q: I have issues with being comfortable sexually with anyone. Most times, I have to drink before anything happens and then I never feel free or comfortable. I also have overwhelming guilt and anxiety…cutting and persecutory thoughts are always present. How can I help myself?

A: It was very brave of you to write. This is a very big issue and not something that you can help yourself with alone. You need to have the help and support of a trained professional. It sounds like you have some deep injuries that need to be addressed and I am sure with the health of a caring therapist you will be able to enjoy all aspects of life without the need to take a drink. Call your health insurance and ask for a referral to a mental health therapist. If you don’t have insurance, call the NY LGBT Center and ask to have a mental health in-take and they can get you going in the right direction.

You are on the right path keep going. It will get better and better.