The LIKEME® Organization

Added May 12, 2011

I am a 33 yr old woman, who thought something was wrong with her. I have never been a person who dated I have only ever been with 3 men, but I didn’t enjoy the experiences, so I made the decision either consciously or unconsciously to focus on my career. But throughout my life I have been attracted to women. My family is very traditional in the fact that there has never been anyone openly gay or even quietly gay in it. My mum and her husband at times will make anti-gay comments about people on the TV and I have never been emotionally close with my mum. When I tried she turned it into a joke and openly laughed at me. My dad who I would have shared this with committed suicide a few years ago.

I have come to the realization that my feelings towards women are growing, and that I am suffering a crushing depression not being myself, but I am terrified that if I tell my mum any of this I will lose the little family I have. I am starting to investigate local LGBT activities in my area, but am very nervous especially as my friends are straight and so not involved on the lesbian scene.

Added May 5, 2011

At times I wonder if I’ve stepped back into the closet in the five years I’ve been a high school teacher in a rural Missouri town. As a young adult I came out to my parents, close family, and friends and was out at work. While I was incredibly anxious about the whole process, it went relatively well. Granted, my parents had other ideas about how my life should be, but they really couldn’t have been all that surprised. I never went through any boy crazy phase and always seemed supremely confident and self-assured. I may have been pretty insecure on the inside, yet it rarely showed on the outside. Without even realizing it, as I went back to college to become a teacher, I was slowing stepping back into the closet, part of me thinking “this is Bible Belt Missouri……nobody’s gonna want a gay teacher.” Sadly, that is often true.

Added May 12, 2011

When I was nine, my mom asked me if I knew what gay meant. I said no because I had never heard of it. She said "It's when two boys or two girls love each other. Your brother is gay." I didn't understand at first because I didn't know that was possible. When I thought of it I realized I might be gay.

About a month after my brother came out, my grandfather came to my dad and said "The family doesn't want the gays around them so I'm sorry, he isn't allowed around anymore." My mom was heartbroken. I remember sitting in the car when she told him what my grandpa said and they both started crying. I was shocked, one, because I had never seen a guy cry and two, because I didn’t understand how anyone could hate my brother. He was the sweetest guy ever! He could make anyone smile. He was my hero.

After that, my brother wasn't the same. He was so depressed and he wasn't his happy self. My mom was crying all the time and taking anti-depressants. I was so young and I just wanted my family back together. I started fighting as much as I could for gay rights. I was hiding and forcing myself to be straight so my mom wouldn't feel all that pain again from the family disowning us.

When I was eleven, I started dating girls and figured out I really was gay. I still had to hide; my mom and bother were just getting over the last problem. I couldn't start it all again. My brother met a guy who had recently gone through the same thing with his family. He became my best friend. They got "married" a year later.

I am now fourteen and have found my girl. She is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I plan to be with her forever. I have come out to my brother and his husband, my niece, best friends, and hopefully I can tell my mother soon. It takes a lot to be yourself; you just have to surround yourself with the good people to get through it all.

Added May 12, 2011

I've known I was different ever since I can remember. I always felt like an outcast and like I was the polar opposite of normal. When I was little I didn't really know why I was different, I just knew I was. As I got into middle school, I realized that I thought of my friends in a way that they more than likely didn't think of me; it wasn't every friend, but some of them. I didn't have intimate feelings for them, I was just curious about girls in a way that I knew my friends were not. I never had that boy crazy stage, but I longed for it. I was bullied and teased all throughout school, simply because people were mean. It lessened with every year that went by, and I did have some friends, but I always felt like it was punishment because deep down, I was different, and I felt dirty.

The first time that I REALLY thought I was gay, and said it out loud to myself, was eighth grade, and when I said it, I cried for hours. After that night I told myself that it never happened and that I did like boys. I forced myself to believe that, and I was in actual denial. One of my best friends, a boy, asked me out in eighth grade, so I said yes. I was ecstatic, because I was paranoid that since I hadn't had a boyfriend yet that this was my chance to prove to everyone that I liked boys and that they liked me. It only lasted a week, because it just felt weird, even though I was only 13. So I ended it. We remained good friends. We then tried to date again in high school a couple times, and I ended it those times as well. I felt even more horrible for putting my friend on my rocky roller coaster. This also caused me to feel even filthier, because I had tried to force myself to be with a guy, but I couldn't do it, so those thoughts of girls started coming back. Then, that same year, I met a new best friend, and one day, we kissed--a lot. I liked it, and that terrified me. We sort of developed a physical relationship, but it was separate from our friendship. But every time we got together to hang out, all I wanted to do was kiss her. When we got into high school, we grew apart, and we never hung out. She got a boyfriend, so I was out of the picture. So my sophomore year and half of my junior year, I felt more alone than ever and I seriously considered taking my life. Although I had a new best friend during that time (who still is to this day), it still wasn't enough.

About halfway through my junior year, that new best friend started taking me to youth group. I learned about Jesus and how He could wash all my sins away and make me pure--how much He could change me--I wanted that more than anything as I continued to learn. Not long after, I was saved. I truly felt different and changed--I knew I was. I began to love Jesus with all my heart. I put all my energy and thoughts into my church and into deepening my relationship with Christ. My plan was to make myself straight and rid myself of depression. It worked--for a while. I am currently attending a Christian college, because I didn't want to lose my faith in college. I truly loved Jesus with all my heart.

I went through a rough patch my freshman year. My past started to affect me deeply and wounds that I had buried long ago were digging their way out of me. I confided in a Resident Advisor (RA) who I had just begun a friendship with. She helped me a lot as I went through that horrid time. Over a break that January we went to her house. One night that week, we thought we were both asleep. Then before we knew it, we were kissing. It lasted all night. When we got back to school, she started to tell me that we had to end it and we couldn't be together. I knew she was trying to do the right thing as a Christian and an RA, and even though I respected that, I had deep feelings for her, and I wasn't giving up. This new feeling with her sparked something in me to start finding out who I really was--to try to be more open with myself and accept who I am. We have been together for just over a year. We are madly in love. We will get married--we both know this. We are soul mates and she completes me. But unfortunately we live in secret at our school. If were to get found out, we would probably get kicked out--and we love our school, so even though she is a year older than me, we are waiting to tell anyone at school and our close families until we are both graduated. It is hard on us to keep who we are a secret, and it causes a lot of fights, but being with her and finally accepting the fact that I am a lesbian (and darn proud), has made me a better person. I am truly happy. I know she would say the same. Since we've been together, I've had no problems with depression and I am sorting through my past one day at a time.

We are still both Christians and we always will be. We love Jesus and we know we're going to heaven. We know some people in our lives won't agree, but we also know that that is okay, because we have each other. We know God loves us as we are. He doesn't make junk and He doesn't make mistakes. It is hard emotionally to hide who we are in the four walls of our small dorm room, but not too long from now, we will be free to be who we are without limitations. I am a lesbian, and I am finally proud of that. I no longer feel ashamed or dirty for the feelings I have. I'm learning to love myself and who I am.

Added March 26, 2011

I'm about the most emotionally oblivious person on the planet. So when I say I had no idea that I liked girls until I was 22, I don't mean I was in denial; I mean I had no idea. I never went through the boy-crazy stage as a teenager but I just sort of assumed that I was a late bloomer and that I would worry about it later. I was much more interested in books than in people anyway. So I suppose it's not particularly surprising to me that a book made me realize that I was gay. I was reading a story about a woman who is 50 something when she realizes she's gay. She's looking at a magazine and realizes that if she closes her eyes she can tell you every little detail about the woman in the advertisement but couldn't tell you about the guy if you held a gun to her head. I shared her moment of epiphany. A sort of enormous: Oh. So that's what that is.

In hindsight, it was kind of obvious and I now realize that I definitely had crushes on female teachers and friends and I simply didn't realize what was going on, since I just assumed that I would feel that for a guy. I might have recognized it then.

Weeks after this, I developed a full blown attraction to another woman, which was much more intense than some of the other crushes. I think because I knew what it was this time.

In many ways I think I'm lucky. I didn't really have any personal problems with gays or homosexuality in general; it just didn't occur to me that the label applied to me. I'm not really out yet but I'm not the type of person who is particularly open with other people. My family is like that. There are certain things that are known and never really discussed. I'm also certain that my parents won't care at all and neither will my sisters. I think my mother might even suspect that I’m gay. I was joking about how many people think a close girl friend and I are dating and my mother got oddly serious and said I would love you anyway. And then we went right back to joking.

I don't think I'll ever 'come out' per se. No grand announcement; it's not my style. But I've promised myself that I won't ever lie about it and so far I've kept that promise. For telling family I'll probably just show up with a girlfriend one day and say "This is my girlfriend" and honestly I don't expect it to be a huge deal. And just yesterday I was talking to someone and without any thought at all just said "I'm gay and..." and it took a second to realize that that was the first time I had ever actually said those words. It was a strange feeling.

Some of my friendships will be damaged if they realize I'm gay, a hazard of being Catholic, Southern and from a strongly Republican background is that many of my friends are too and this combination is not always the most tolerant. But some friends, I think, don't approve of homosexuality because they don't know it. They don't know anyone who's 'that way'. And some of them I think I'll be able to reach. To show them that normal wonderful people can be gay. The hardest part of being gay for me (beyond figuring out if a girl is gay is I am cursed for having no gaydar whatsoever) is all of a sudden having this label attached to me, or rather realizing that the label applies to me. It still takes me a while to realize when people talk about being gay, they're talking about me. But I'll manage